Disordered Eating: My Journey
Trigger Warning: I talk about disordered eating habits throughout this blog. I mention the weight class of a pole I vaulted on, but not my own weight. Read at your discretion.
What is disordered eating, and how is it different from an eating disorder? This is the first thing I want to explain because I think a lot of people have heard of eating disorders but maybe not so much disordered eating. Amy Baker Dennis, PhD, FAED puts it best from the article titled: What is the Difference Between Disordered Eating and Eating Disorders?: “Disordered eating refers to a spectrum of problematic eating behaviors and distorted attitudes towards food, weight, shape, and appearance. Often these behaviors include dieting, skipping meals, fasting, restricting food intake, eliminating specific foods or food groups, binge eating, excessive use of diuretics, laxatives, and weight loss medications, as well as the use of compensatory behaviors (purging, excessive exercising).” I didn’t have a title for what was going on with myself until college. I knew it wasn’t a true eating disorder, so I didn’t think it was as serious, but until I got past it, I realized how much of my daily energy was going towards this struggle.
How it all started: During my junior year of high school, I would feel sort of pudgy and was constantly asking my mom if she thought I was fat, and I felt as though I was. It was mentally exhausting. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I really noticed the differences in my body versus my friends. I was working out all the time, and I didn’t have a flat stomach, while my friends weren’t working out all the time, and they did. I made it my goal to change my relationship with food to be strictly business. I wrote things down in my journal like “food is fuel” and “no junk food till state”. I used this toxic mindset as an excuse to be really serious about wanting to do well at my state gymnastics meet. I asked my mom for help, and she didn’t think twice about doing so. She used her strategies she’s used her whole life, like going to bed hungry, drinking water when hungry, lean protein, and low-fat foods. I was doing my own things, too, like not eating breakfast, and just generally being hungry. It wasn’t all the time, though. I would usually cave and eat what I wanted, and then of course, get frustrated with myself. The daily mental battles in my head, combined with “feeling fat”, were awful. Some other habits I had in high school that really weighed on me were like when I went over to my friends’ houses, and I would eat their candy because it “didn’t count” there, same thing at parties or family gatherings, I would always tell myself “do it now and then don’t do it again”. Another aspect that helped me continue this disordered eating cycle was high school pole vault. In pole vault, the poles are rated for a certain weight, and in high school, you have to be at that weight or below to be able to jump on it (This isn't a rule in college, by the way). I wanted to jump on the 140/145 pole, but I was heavier, and I wanted to be able to vault on the poles I felt comfortable on. My coach told me not to worry about it, but I was worried about it. The summer before college, I did CrossFit and felt very confident in my body. I ate lots of protein and started to enjoy making food at home. CrossFit was not my athletic goal, though. I mainly needed something to help me stay fit for my first season as a varsity field athlete at WWU. Now in college, my toxic habits don’t get worse; if anything, they lessen, but the mental struggles are still there. The dining hall was. so. hard. I think they had the calories posted on all the food (I generally HATE this). The constant in-your-face sweets every day were so hard when they didn’t need to be. I could’ve just eaten the cookie and moved on. But I didn’t, I usually ate the cookie and then felt big. I related to my teammates about this and we had an older teammate who was/is a total badass and didn’t “look” like your typical T&F athlete, but for that reason, it made me feel better, and I looked up to her for that. This is when I noticed how annoying my disordered thinking about food was getting to be too much for me to handle. In the dining hall, you’re constantly around all sorts of desserts and just a lot of food that I didn’t want to eat but then ate, and then I was mad at myself, and bleh. It was just an endless cycle.
When I started my sophomore year or the end of freshman year, I can't remember, I was at such a low point mentally, I started seeing an on-campus therapist (who I ended up seeing on and off till last year!). I mentioned one day that I almost ate an entire baguette in one sitting to her, amongst all the other things mentioned above, and she was like “hmm, you might enjoy this support group for people with eating disorders”. I was like “I don’t have an eating disorder, though”. She explained that it could still be helpful. I nervously went, and it ended up being the thing that helped me get out of this mindset. Just hearing that other people were going through the same things I was so healing. No advice was given, just sharing our stories. Feeling understood was a big step in getting to heal my relationship with food and body. The support group was only a quarter, but I ended up doing it the following year, which was really nice to have that reminder in my head again. These groups kick-started my understanding of myself, but I still had lots of work to do to “get over” everything.
At this point, I had quit pole vault and taken up triathlon. My first year as a triathlete was 2020, so I struggled even having an identity at that point since I had just quit my second sport ever (next to gymnastics), and now I am claiming to be a triathlete even though I’ve never even done one? I filled my mind by getting obsessed with burning calories. I had a Fitbit, and it told me how many calories I burned each day. I was working a manual labor job and working out on top of that, so I got obsessed with it. I would try to burn a certain amount every day. I would get down on myself and feel big if it were below a certain number. My first year as a triathlete, I had a coach, but transitioning from having a team to go to practice with for like 15 years, to working out alone, was a big transition for me. In this, I had a hard time getting out the door sometimes. What I’d do is I’d look in the mirror and if I looked good that day, I’d feel ok not training that day. Or I’d not eat on a ride and be like “oh if I don’t eat more than I normally do after this, I’ll look so good”. I have been learning so much about food through triathlon, and I think it has been a strong factor in my recovery from disordered eating.
As a triathlete, I have come to understand how much food is integral to our success. Fueling while working out, fueling before, after, and all the in-betweens. It's crazy how much we have to eat to perform at our best. I am still learning so much. I am going to start seeing a nutritionist to understand even further. Now, I eat with confidence. I try not to eat processed food because it doesn’t make me feel my best, but I still eat it without shame or guilt when I do, simply because I want to eat it. I used to get triggered listening to other people’s struggles on the topic of food when it wasn’t a safe space or even when I just couldn’t handle hearing it. I remember being out at a brewery with two girlfriends, and they were saying how they never struggled with food or their body image or anything like that, and they were really glad. Which is great for them, honestly, but it made me feel like shit! I wasn’t in a place, yet, where I could confidently handle situations like that. Now I can handle family members, co-workers, and friends talking about their diets and weight loss goals, and complain about their bodies without getting triggered. I am really happy with where I am now, but like I said, it’s a journey.
I felt inspired to write this blog because every month, when I am on my period, I feel extra big and unconfident about my body. I have also recently been asking myself the question, “Do I need to lose weight?” I haven’t actually gone through asking my coach this because I think I know deep down I don’t need to, but I am curious still. I don’t even know if I could, while still fueling properly, if I tried. Whenever I feel this way, though, I think of everything my body lets me do. I was feeling this exact way I described above last week when I completed my first half marathon. Then I think to myself, “I can do all these things with my body. I have my period, I eat when hungry, and I am training and recovering really well. I am doing really good!”. Another thought that still pops up for me is the fact that I don’t look like a typical triathlete. I have big boobs, I am just generally stronger looking, and I don’t have a proper 6-pack. Even still, I feel like I belong because there are triathletes out there who look bigger and who are super strong. Some people who come to mind are Ruth Astle, Kat Mathews, and Kristian Blumenfeld. There may be a certain body type when you think of a runner or triathlete, but I know now that professional triathletes come in all shapes and sizes. Something that Andy reminds me of, too, is that every body is different.