Letting Go

This past week, I came to the realization that I don’t need to be the fastest, strongest, fittest, or on top of the podium to belong, be loved, or feel like enough because I already am. I am starting to realize that I don’t need the external validation to get what I am searching for, which is to feel exceptional in sport. I have come to feel this way because I’ve been doing soul searching on my RED-S recovery/overtraining journey. Why go soul searching when it's my body that needs the rest? Well, one, because your body doesn’t know the difference between mental and physical stress. And two, because I wouldn’t have gotten to this point if I felt like I could take a break, which I didn’t, meaning I need to do some personal reflection because athletes need rest (sometimes more than you think)! There has been one thing that has helped me escape from the mentality: a book that I read at the perfect time.

Reading Enough at Andy and I’s campsite (on a logging road lol) on the Oregon coast, July 31st.

Has that ever happened to you? Reading a book that seems to match where you’re at in your life and relates to you on many levels? This is the second time this has happened to me. The first occurrence of this divine intervention was when I was just arriving in France for my Sejour while reading Where The Pavement Ends by Erika Warmbrunn. A book about One Woman's Bicycle Trip Through Mongolia, China, & Vietnam. It perfectly encapsulated the foreign language aspect, made me grateful I wasn’t on a bike without GPS in the plains of Mongolia, while simultaneously inspiring me to go on a bike packing adventure in the Alps about a month later. This time, I picked up a memoir called Enough by Melissa Arnot-Reid. She takes us on her journey of Climbing Towards a True Self on Mount Everest. I resonated with her first chapter because she goes through these mental battles, high on Everest, about how she feels she’s not strong enough, too weak, and lets her mind get the best of her. Things that I’ve done on too many bikes and runs. Through all of her trials and tribulations, she realizes that she can’t keep living like this. By the end of the book, she starts to let go. She reaches inward to start healing her mind, which allows her to reach her goal of being the first American Woman to summit Everest without supplemental oxygen. While our stories are vastly different, the similarities of her intently human story made me feel like it was ok for me to feel like I was enough in my own context.

I feel empowered to believe that I am enough without external validation because my story and your story are unique, and that is exceptional in itself. I am learning to let go of this idea that I need to be a professional triathlete or be at the front of the race to feel good about myself (that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be there though)! My friend Ali said it perfectly, “It’s pretty common to take things a bit too seriously early in your career when you’re just getting into higher-level competition and want to be really good. But eventually you learn what really matters and that you don’t have to be so rigid about everything!” Ali has been a great friend to talk to through this because she makes me feel less alone. I don’t need to be so rigid, and I am learning what that will look like for me. One way that I’ve been testing this new mentality was at a local, weekly bike race.

At PIR crossing the race track to the start on July 31st.

The Monday Night PIR, or the one I went to, was PedalPIR, a weekly Tuesday night race held at the Portland International Raceway (PIR). I’ve known about it for like a year, and I’ve been too nervous to go! I wasn’t sure where to go, what it would be like, the effort required to do well in the race, or where it would fit into my weekly training schedule. Now I finally have some time off, nothing on the training schedule, and the mental capacity to try something new! So, I went and invited my friend Morgan to have accountability and support. I parked my car in downtown Vancouver and rode my bike over to PIR. It was a little hard to find the right entrance to go into, but then I spoke with someone in charge and got it figured out. It was very hot too. I hadn’t spent a lot of time outside, so the heat was a bit of a shock to the system. I got out there, and everyone was so nice. I waited around in the heat for my race to start, and it was finally time. We started very easily for the first lap, but once we made it to the second lap, things were starting to heat up. By the 3rd lap, I was officially dropped. My heart rate was so high as I tried to stay with them, but it was burning too much. I let them go and just tried to enjoy the scenery. I was just happy to be out there. It was a great experience getting out there, and it made me feel even more comfortable racing bikes.

For the first time this past week, I went swimming and it actually helped me relax and feel better, instead of making things worse. That’s a great sign that I am making progress. Since that positive experience, I’ve tried to do something that feels good every day. Working out is starting to feel like something I want to do again, rather than something I have to do. Not quite ready to start training again, but I am getting there!