Two-Month Crash Course in Listening to My Body

Within the past two months, I’ve had pneumonia, a cold, a strained back, a 10-day ski trip, and I moved back home (in that order). Needless to say, it’s been quite the emotional and physical roller coaster. Training through all this has kind of made me hate triathlon training. It just added another layer of stress to everything else going on. It made me question why I do triathlons.

Before I got pneumonia, I was training to the best of my ability and consistently. Underneath that good training were life stressors that ultimately got the best of me. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to make my food, write my blog, go to 1 of my 5 jobs, and get enough sleep, etc. I was tired of being ON all the time. My body knew that. I was out for an entire week with pneumonia. This was not the end of the world for my training. A week off when I’ve been training well isn’t the end of the world, I knew I’d be ok. I had an easy week of training following and then started back up with regular intensity. However, the stress of my responsibilities came back, along with being hard on myself with all the things I wasn’t doing. Additionally, I was majorly PMSing, which just heightened everything. I was afraid I was going to get sick again from being so stressed out and I did; I got a little cold. It didn’t keep me from training, but I knew something big needed to change because I knew I couldn’t keep living like this. I decided I needed a mini break. So, I drove home that weekend. I was thrilled that the weather was warm enough for a 3.5-hour bike ride in my summer kit. I wanted to use the time to “figure out” why I was so unhappy. My mom suggested that I take a break from triathlon and come home to figure things out. I said I would pass on the first suggestion, but I wasn’t opposed to coming home. I reflected on what specifically was making my life so hard in Bellingham. I figured out it was my living situation in my cabin. Just the fact that I had to walk up the driveway to do my dishes, get food, walk to go to the bathroom. It was getting to me and my productive flow of the day. That weekend, I decided to move home.

First time this year in a summer kit! It was amazing. Biking on Marine Drive in Portland, OR. Photo by me.

I called all my bosses and told them what was up. They are all very supportive and were happy about my move. I decided that I would move home at the end of March, two weeks at that time. It would be after my ski trip and timing a race. I used the two weeks to decide what I really wanted out of the move and what I wanted to accomplish that I wasn’t able to do in Bellingham. One thing that really helped me think about my intentions was the book “You Are a Badass”. It has become my bible, in a sense. I take notes, re-read sections and think about implementing what she suggests into my daily life. Her whole thing is that the universe is full of miracles and what you desire is out there, but you have to work for it and take small, concrete steps to get it. I have really resonated with that. I used her tools to make a plan for what I’d like to do when I got home! I made this plan while being extremely relaxed on my ski trip with my amazing boyfriend Andy. A week before we left, I had strained my back really good, and I couldn’t ski for the first couple of days, but I could bike. I biked, but I realized that, yes, even again, I think straining my back right before a vacation was a sign that I just needed to take the break. So, I did. It was glorious to just ski and not have to worry about getting a workout done before skiing or after driving. Working out while on a road trip/ski trip with your boyfriend who doesn’t train is a logistical nightmare. Even though Andy is supportive of my athletic endeavors, I feel guilty when he just sits there for two hours while I am on my bike. This feeling made me re-think how much I value triathlon and my relationship with Andy. It got me thinking, why? Throughout this trip, I was so relaxed, and I felt like I got a big reset. Just what I needed. When I got home, my back was doing a lot better too.

During my ski trip with Andy. Lost Trail ski area. On the boarder of Montana and Idaho. Photo by me.

I did a week and a half of training, but then it was time to move, so I took 3 days off. Now, after a week of being home, I’ve had a week of consistent, easy training under my belt and will be in a bike race on Sunday! I did have a moment this week when I just felt like quitting though. It was a quick feeling, but I think it was a culmination of everything that’s happened within the past 2 months. I was sitting on my bed, procrastinating doing a two-hour training ride, and I just felt like giving up. This thought made me want to cry because I have invested so much in this sport, and I have had extremely joyful moments with it. However, after my ski trip, I felt how nice it was to not have to do workouts and just move when I wanted; I felt so alive. I questioned myself with things like: “Do I hate triathlon training?”, “Why do I do this thing when it doesn’t bring me any money, only spends it?”, “Why do I do these workouts when they hurt, and I don’t even want to do these sometimes?”. Now that I am settled at home I have gained some perspective.

U-Haul is packed up and ready to leave Bellingham! Photo by me.

For one, after I did that two-hour bike ride, I was procrastinating, I felt so much better. Go figure. I think that the rollercoaster that I’ve been on for the last 2 months was necessary to get me to a better place. I think the questions that I was asking myself are still valid, though.

So here are my answers:

• Do I hate triathlon training?

No, I don’t. I think I hated training while the rest of my life had so much going on and training just added to the stress. Next time, I will push my ego aside and take a step back somewhere before I get sick.

• Why do I do this thing when it doesn’t bring me any money, only spends it?

I do it because I like how I feel after my workouts. I love the butterflies I get on the start line. I love how it connects me to how hard I worked as a young gymnast. I love racing. I love the community and all the awesome people I’ve met. Furthermore, I am getting closer to doing this sport for free. I’ve had so much support from lots of people and programs that make me feel like I have encouragement and support to do this.

• Why do I do these workouts when they hurt, and I don’t even want to do them sometimes?

I was getting to a point where my two-hour Z-2 rides felt awful. I think that happened because my lifestyle was not supporting the amount and level of training I was doing. I wasn’t eating well, I wasn’t sleeping well, and it was not professional at all. Now that I’ve moved home, I am much more relaxed, and my muscles and mind are getting the rest they need to perform.

I believe this whole experience over the past two months was a good lesson in listening to my body. I will continue to reflect on why I love triathlon and come back to those feelings when I am feeling down, and how triathlon shows up in different relationships and areas of my life.